As an RN i am asked by many people why i ever used heroin?! When i was 8 yrs old i knew i wanted to be a nurse, i KNEW throughout my soul i wanted to work with sick children, as a nurse. I was confident that i had what i took to sit and talk, laugh and help children that were sick and scared. I am asked repeatedly as a recovering addict where i made the choice to take the wrong path and begin using… It is my history that i became not only a pediatric RN specializing in oncology, but also a IV drug user specializing in heroin. I came to both of those life paths while trying to survive my past childhood trauma. I watched my mother and father getting high and drunk my entire childhood, myself and my siblings were in and out of hospitals, as our father turned his rage on us after beating our mother senseless many, many nights. We were victims of sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse…everyday…i repeat, everyday of our lives! The nurses at the various hospitals were my lifeline, they were my heroes. They always knew their was more to our stories, to our bruises. They would bring us Popsicle’s for busted mouths, food to eat when we hadn’t had any for 3 or more days, they would hug us and cry from indignation and anger. I vowed to be a nurse and somehow repay their kindness and caring to other children in our situation.
My road to addiction did not begin until i was 24, i never had smoked pot, i had been drunk 1 time only, on my 21st birthday..i was a prude so to speak. Both of my parents had passed by then, and i had my daughter, happily married and living my dream. Then one night i’m working in the ER, and this little girl gets brought in, 9 years old..stomach pain. Hard rigid stomach, excruciating pain, low grade fever and her mother is standing there looking at her wringing her hands. Her mother had the same look i often saw in my own mothers face, it wasn’t a look that conveyed fear for her health, it wasn’t a look that was endearing. Immediately i turned and looked at the doctor, way overstepping my professional boundaries and ordered him to get a ultrasound, NOW! I had worked with this doctor for 3 years and had never overstepped my professional bound in any capacity. 4 mins later he confirmed what i already knew, this 50 lbs very slight little girl was in active labor. This woman wasn’t even phased, just kept shooting her baby “The Look”, 53 mins after she was admitted, this little girl gave birth to a stillborn son. In stumbles her drunken father, and i flipped my shit! I hit him in the face with a chair, i punched her mother in the face and i was suspended without pay until my union looked into the incident.
That was the first time i ever tried a drug in my entire life. You see i was that little girl, she was me. I couldn’t save her, i couldn’t keep my promise to children like her..like me. I went from being something i was so proud of to being my parents..why? Directly related to my childhood trauma! I became the same people i promised to protect innocent children from. I lost my license for 5 years, that daughter i was so proud of..my ex-husband took her from me, and rightly so. To this day she won’t forgive me. I have since reclaimed sobriety, i have my RN license back and i fight as a child advocate in court proceedings.
That very night that i used, the first time ever, ANY drug, sucked me into a 10 yr long ride to hell. It also gave me the unique ability to forgive my mother and father, yet hate them both for their legacy bestowed upon me. You see as i lay on that table when i was 8 yrs old giving birth to my father’s child, i vowed to be the nurse who beat the shit out of my father and then started in on my mother. I will never forget her screaming in the hallway, in handcuffs demanding my rights and speaking against my atrocities.
